Commitment Ceremony

Forget the fact that same-sex marriage is not yet legal (as of this writing): as far as we're concerned, a commitment ceremony serves the same important purpose as a traditional wedding. It's a public proclamation of your commitment, before your family and friends. It gives you a sense of permanence and stability. And it's a great excuse to celebrate your love with a big party! Nevertheless, there are no distinct guidelines for commitment ceremonies, so you may be wondering about a few things. Here are some answers to get you started.

How Does the Ceremony Work?
Since you won't get a legal document, your ceremony itself is the binding ritual -- as it should be -- so you'll likely want to make it truly personal. Even so, your ceremony's structure will probably be quite similar to a traditional wedding. The basic components include:

Who Should Marry Us?
A civil servant's primary role is to legalize the event -- and that's not what's happening here. Instead, you can ask a judge or justice of the peace to sanction your union symbolically or you can contact an Ethical Humanist officiant (to find a local society, check the American Ethical Union). Keep in mind that your officiant needn't have to be "official" -- i.e., licensed to perform legal weddings. This means a dear friend or relative can do you the honor. If you'd like to have a religious ceremony, speak with a minister or rabbi from the congregation to which you or your partner belong. If no officiant comes to mind, contact a Unitarian Universalist, Universal Life, or Metropolitan Community church, all of which support same-sex unions. You can also look for an officiant from a religion that leaves the decision to individual clergy (Buddhist, some Protestant, Reform Jewish). Don't overlook the Internet as a research tool for finding local officiants. Many local officiants invite same-sex and opposite-sex couples to contact them about creating a personalized ceremony.
Declaration of Intent/Vows: Writing your own vows is a great way to celebrate your commitment to each other -- and its uniqueness. You can draw what you like from traditional religious or secular vows; adapt wordings from poems, songs, and prose; or start from scratch and express your feelings in your own words. Need help? Check out The Knot Complete Guide to Vows.

Ring Exchange: Perhaps you've already given each other rings, and maybe now you'll add bands to go with them or re-enact the ring exchange with a few special words. You may choose not to wear your rings on your left hands, which might suggest that you're married the "traditional" way. Many gay and lesbian couples wear commitment rings on their right hands. You may also choose a nontraditional design and wear it on the traditional finger.

Readings/Joining Rituals: You don't necessarily have to address gay issues in your readings; you could read about love, friendship, companionship, trust, growth, or whatever tickles your fancy. Joining rituals like a Unity candle (the two of you light a mutual candle with flames from two individual candles) or Native American sand blending are perfect ways to symbolize your union.

Pronouncement of Marriage and the Kiss: This part speaks for itself!

If you choose a religious officiant or another person affiliated with a group (such as an Ethical Humanist), he or she may give you "sample" ceremony wording from which to work. The more secular the officiant, the more creative license you will likely have over what is said, read, sung, or played during the cermony.

What Do We Wear?
Just like any bride or groom, whatever you like! Some lesbian couples walk down the aisle in traditional wedding gowns and veils, complete with bridal bouquets, and some choose "tuxedas" (tuxedos designed for women). Men might choose traditional formalwear or nice suits purchased especially for the occasion. You can wear identical ensembles or choose separate outfits that complement your individual styles. The bottom line: Whatever style you choose, make it your own.

Can We Have a Wedding Party?
If you want your closest friends at your side during the ceremony, by all means, ask them! Traditionally, the maid of honor and best man are "witnesses" -- they sign the legal marriage document. You won't need your attendants for that, but you could create your own marriage contract (or ask an artistic friend to help design one) and ask two of your nearest and dearest to sign, along with you two and your officiant.

How Do We Do the Reception?
Some couples plan a relatively traditional reception with dinner, dancing, and the works. Others choose a beach barbecue or a fabulous meal at their favorite restaurant. You could have a cocktail party in your apartment, a picnic in your backyard, or champagne and cake on your roof. Or consider an art gallery or club. You can work with caterers, florists, and DJs, or you can ask friends to help with details. The only limits are your imagination and personal taste (and, of course, the dreaded budget). We have many more party planning resources right here on The Knot, so take a look.

Can We Go on a Honeymoon?
Absolutely. Every newly married couple should run away for a little R&R. If you decide to celebrate your commitment privately or with a few close relatives or friends, you might even consider a destination wedding. Hawaii is a wonderful place to exchange vows; because of the recent effort to legalize gay weddings there (it still hasn't succeeded, but stay tuned), the islands are very open to commitment ceremonies. You'll find tons of packages to choose among, and you could do worse for a backdrop than a beautiful, palm tree-lined beach!